Posted: 7 February, 2015
This Evil Kitty Could Be Your New Best (Worst) Friend!
Today is National Pet Adoption Day - and we are BIG fans of giving pets their forever homes. This kitty, listed on Craigslist in Canada, might be a special case...
Her current owners are looking to rehome her, responsibly, by making sure the new owners know what they're into...like, really into...
Black female cat (not spayed) - about 5 years old available to an evil household.
We believe she's the evil sidekick a super villain has always wanted. If you are potentially ready to attempt to take over the world, this little one can be the Mr. Bigglesworth to your Dr. Evil.
We're not going to lie to you - this cat is a dick. She's probably as close to pure evil as you can get.
- knocked over glasses, plates, vases and everything else off counters that can be knocked off
- scratched the shit out of our hands and arms
- locked my wife and dog out of the house on purpose in the cold to "eliminate them" so she could have me all to herself
- Pooped on the floor even though her litter box was clean and accessible nearby
- opened the fridge and eaten a block of cheese out of the drawer
- opened a locked cabinet, a locked plastic tupperware and helped herself to dog food
- assembled an admiring fan base of male minions (other cats) by meowing from her open 2nd floor window (nothing says creepy like opening a door and watching 5 males scatter)
- destroyed window shades, christmas trees, shoes, socks, couches and countless other miscellaneous items
She's very pretty and can be affectionate when she's not being a dick, but we believe it's her form of manipulation to get away with things.
We rescued her a couple of years ago, and she just seems to always be angry, miserable and vindictive. The reason we've kept her this long is because we feel if we let her out into the world, she will take it over, and the idea of humanity being enslaved by this feline f**ker is just too much for us to handle.
She hates other cats, dogs, pretty much any animal from what we can tell, and we would not trust her with children or any loved ones. Once she lunged out the back door and ate a moth - no other moths came near our door for the rest of the summer out of fear.
Honestly, don't even reply to this ad unless you live alone and have plans of domination, multiple felonies or at least some misdemeanors. If the appearance of stable mental health is crucial to your plans, don't approach her without sleeves - her scratches will look like attempted cutting and people will offer to call social workers on your behalf (this actually happened to my wife).
You must pick her up. We will not take her back under any circumstances - even if you get arrested in your evil-doings, make other arrangements for her.
Read the original post (and adopt a supervillain) here.